


"100 Ways to Kill a Doctor" Collection

by Daedaleopsis



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 03:11:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5031487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daedaleopsis/pseuds/Daedaleopsis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a fun Halloween prompt for Shenny fans posted on Fanfiction.net.  The challenge is to kill off either Leonard, Amy or both of them, thus paving the way for our dreams to come true.  I'm posting several of these one-shots that I wrote together as chapters in a longer work, but each "chapter" is actually a short, stand alone work that is only connected to the others by theme.  Also, if you're not a fan of this pairing, don't read and flame.  That just makes you look like an idiot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 100 Ways to Kill a Doctor: The Superhero Scenario

**Author's Note:**

> 100 Ways to Kill a Doctor Halloween Challenge
> 
> (my response to Dsnynutz's prompt)
> 
> RULES:
> 
> 1\. Sheldon/Penny - They can be platonic, romantic, smutty, Super Heroes/Villains, etc.
> 
> 2\. Leonard/Amy's death MAY occur anytime from the Pilot thru Season 9.
> 
> 3\. The death must be completed in a single chapter, although you are welcome to contribute as many different forms of death as you like as long as they are a chapter each.
> 
> 4\. The story must be no more than 1,500 words long.
> 
> 5\. Deadline is October 31, 2015.

Penny crossed her arms and sulked. "You told me you had something romantic planned."

Leonard was bent over a display panel, deep in conversation with Sheldon. Straightening, he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose with one finger and turned reluctantly to his unhappy girlfriend. He thought it was the pinnacle of his existence when he and Penny had finally started dating, but he had never considered anything beyond that vague fantasy. Truthfully, they had little in common, and he was finding it difficult to balance dating Penny with all his other hobbies. He'd given up a lot for her, and there were times (like now) when he wasn't sure it was worth it.

"I said we would spend a night under the stars," he said. Waving a hand at the 40-inch refracting telescope, he asked, "What more could you want?"

"How 'bout for you not to have brought your friend along on this so-called date? No offense, Sheldon."

"None taken," Sheldon said absently, without looking up from the monitor.

With a sigh, Leonard walked over to the lumpy bundle he had brought. It turned out to be a picnic basket wrapped in a blanket. He spread the blanket out on the floor and then opened the hamper, which contained nothing but two bottles of champagne. He pulled one out and handed it to Penny. "Here's something for you to do while you're waiting."

She glared furiously at him, then grabbed the bottle out of his hand. 

"The target is almost within range," Sheldon called excitedly. 

Leonard rushed back to the bank of computers, frantically rechecking their calculations. "If this works and we're the first people to collect samples of dark energy, we'll win the Nobel for sure," he enthused. 

“Focus, Leonard,” Sheldon snapped. “We’re dealing with a type of energy about which very little is known. The least miscalculation could spell disaster.”

Penny watched them rush around for a while longer, hovering over a donut-shaped device that Leonard had told her would contain the dark energy if they were able to capture it. 

“Nope, still bored,” she muttered under her breath and started to work at the cork of the champagne bottle.   
The cork came flying out just as Leonard shouted, “Now!” There was a loud metallic ping as the projectile hit the torus-shaped containment unit. An oppressive pressure filled the air as the lights flickered and went out. It was the last thing any of them remembered.

*****

Sheldon was the first to regain consciousness. He winced in pain as he pushed himself into a sitting position from where he had been lying on the floor. Feeling an odd tickle on his upper lip, he ran the back of his hand over it and found he was bleeding from his nose and also his ears. That was alarming, but not as much as the sight of the entire bank of computers giving off smoke, or the sight of Leonard and Penny lying limp on the floor. He stumbled over to Leonard and shook his shoulder. Although his roommate was also bleeding from cranial orifices, he moaned and stirred. Sheldon instantly felt a flash of disappointment and annoyance. If Leonard had died, he would have had the Nobel all to himself without having to share any of the glory. He paused, halfway to checking on Penny, to wonder where that thought had come from. He decided that he needed to schedule an MRI and CAT scan as soon as possible to ensure he hadn’t suffered brain damage. 

Penny was lying on her side. The champagne bottle lay in shards around her, and her thin shirt was soaked through, clearly outlining her black bra underneath. Entranced, Sheldon reached out and traced the edge of the lacy undergarment, then snatched his hand away. Swallowing hard, he swore to himself that he would go to the ER tonight for a complete physical examination. Penny sat up, wiping at the blood on her face much as he had done. Seeing the stain on her hand, she swore and pulled her shirt off, using the damp cloth to clean herself. Sheldon gaped at her, unable to look away.

“What?” she asked carelessly.

Leonard made his way toward her, leaning on the fried-out chairs and lab components as he did so. “Oh, come on. Isn’t it bad enough that all your clothes are low-cut or micro-miniskirts? Now you’re doing a strip tease in front of Sheldon.”

“Like he cares,” Penny scoffed, but when she turned back to him, she noticed his staring. She didn’t seem to mind. In fact, if the sly look that crossed her face was any indication, she enjoyed it.

“You shouldn’t be acting like this. You’re my girlfriend. Do you have any idea how I feel…” Leonard’s voice rose higher and higher in pitch, and suddenly, Sheldon and Penny both winced and clapped their hands over their ears.

“I don’t believe this! Now you’re ignoring me?” Leonard went on.

Sheldon screamed and fell to his knees, clutching his head with both hands.

“Leonard… stop,” Penny managed before she fainted once again.

*****

“Holy crap on a cracker, what happened?” Penny moaned as she came to. 

A dark head lifted from her chest. Sheldon had apparently been listening to her heartbeat.

“She has regained consciousness,” he announced unnecessarily.

Penny felt a prickle of embarrassment, followed by a surge of desire. The side of his face had been touching her breasts. She watched in fascination as Sheldon flushed red under her curious stare. His gaze wandered down to her lace-clad chest again, and he reached for her. Penny experienced a moment of shock before his mouth descended on hers and his hands cupped her lush curves as if they were already lovers.

“What is going on here?” Leonard cried, and as before, there was an intense shooting pain in her head. Penny pushed a similarly incapacitated Sheldon off of her and sat up.

“Holy crap on a cracker, it must have been that dumb experiment of yours. What did you do?”

“What did I do?” Leonard shrieked, causing another blinding wave of agony.

“Will you stop whining? Every time you do, it feels like you’re stabbing my head with an ice pick.”

Leonard froze, looking startled and then thoughtful. “Really? You mean like a superpower?"

"No, not like a superpower," Penny growled. "If you had a superpower, you would use it for good, not to give your friends one hell of a headache."

"Hey, don’t blame me! You're the one who messed up our equipment because you started in on the champagne without me!" he yelled.

Penny looked away. "Oh, I forgot about that," she said. "I didn't mean to mess up your experiment."

"I'm sorry too," Leonard said. He held out his arms and walked toward her to give her a hug.

"Hold on just a minute," Sheldon interrupted. "Have you noticed how your emotional state seems to be mirroring Penny’s? That could explain my atypical behavior earlier."

"Yeah, I think you're right!" Penny exclaimed. "Does that mean I have a superpower too?"

"Hardly," Sheldon sulked. "If that were the case, don't you think I would be exhibiting some signs of having one as well?"

"Maybe we're just special," Leonard said, preening.

“Quit being a jerk,” Penny scowled at her boyfriend.

“Quit drinking so much,” he retorted.

“Stop fighting!” Sheldon yelled. Frustrated past all endurance, he placed two fingers on each temple on either side of his head and glared at Leonard, whose face turned red and then he fell to the floor.

Penny gasped and ran over to check for a pulse. She stood, shaking her head. “He’s dead.” 

Then a wicked smile spread over her face. “That was freaking awesome.”

Sheldon looked smug. “I have superpowers and I’m a genius. That officially makes me a superhero.”

Penny shook her head as she sashayed over to him. “Honey, you’re not Superman; you’re Lex Luthor.”

“Hmm. I have absolutely no problem with that whatsoever. In fact, it seems to me that whatever moral compunctions I used to possess have been completely erased, and the same appears to be true for you as well,” Sheldon pointed out as she looped her arms around her neck. His hands crept up along her bare midriff. “It would be a very evil thing for us to have coitus next to Leonard’s body before it even has a chance to cool, wouldn’t it?”

“No,” she said mock-innocently. “A super villain would do it several times.”

“Yes,” he agreed fervently as his nimble fingers unhooked her bra. Then he said with a malicious smile, “After that, I think we need to pay a visit to Leslie Winkle.”

“And do it all over again? I like the way you think, Dr. Cooper,” Penny purred as she pulled him down on top of her.


	2. 100 Ways to Kill a Doctor: The Bazinga Augmentation

Penny plunked her laundry basket onto the basement floor. Sheldon was already there in the laundry room, sorting his clothing. “Hey, sweetie,” she said.

He made a noncommittal sort of grunt, and she looked at him in surprise. “Is something wrong?”

“Is something wrong?” he repeated indignantly. “Of course, something is wrong. My girlfriend is gloating over the fact that she’s been published in a major journal while I haven’t. She ought to be more supportive of me… and then on top of that, you had the temerity to lecture me about my obligations as a boyfriend. I listened to her, didn’t I?”

Penny sighed and dropped the shirt she’d been holding back into her basket. “Okay, Sheldon, what is this really about?”

He looked at the floor. “Ever since my failed monopole experiment in the Arctic and the resulting debacle, my career has taken a nosedive while Leonard’s star had risen, metaphorically speaking. Now Amy has been awarded a completely undeserved honor while my brilliance goes unrecognized. It’s intolerable.”

Penny bit her lip. She hadn’t realized that he was still suffering from that awful prank Leonard had pulled. “Is there anything I can do to help?” she asked. 

He looked up with a dangerous gleam in his eyes. “As a matter of fact, I believe there is.”

********  
The next evening, Penny stood out in front of a pool supply store. “Tell me again what I’m doing here? I know you’re not planning to put in a pool, and I don’t get what this has to do with Amy.”

Sheldon pushed a list into her hand. “Must we go through this again? I’ve already told you that I’ve been blacklisted by every major chemical supplier within a five mile radius. And after I pulled that bazinga on Kripke, they started padlocking the chemistry department’s storerooms. But Leonard said my prank was truly brilliant, and he was right. The only error I made was to set up a video to let Kripke know who filled his lab with foam. I won’t make that mistake again.”

“So that’s what we’re doing? We’re going to fill Amy’s lab with foam?”

“Yes, and this time, there will be a few modifications.”

“I don’t know, Sheldon....” Penny began reluctantly.

“Oh, what possible reason could you find to equivocate? Amy broke your nose by hitting you with a purse loaded with a coffee can full of loose change and then laughed about it.”

Penny gritted her teeth. “Yeah, she called me Raccoon for two weeks. You're right. She is so going down.” She strode inside and made her purchases, helped by an eager store employee. She emerged wheeling a cart laden with bags of chemicals.

Sheldon did a double take when he saw how much she had bought. “Penny, that is more than twice the amount that I asked you to procure.”

She grinned wickedly. “Payback’s a bitch.”

He tilted his head quizzically for a moment, and then began to smile himself, the expression that Leonard liked to call his “kill Batman” grin. “I see. You are suggesting that the reciprocity be commensurate with the level of the perceived offense. So the question is, how much does Amy annoy me?” He thought for a moment. “I hate her. I wish she were dead. How’s that for payback?”

Penny laughed. “Oh yeah, this is gonna be freakin’ awesome.”  


It was a fairly simple matter to set up the rest of the prank. In order to gain access to the lab in which Amy worked, Sheldon took her out to dinner while Penny went to Amy’s apartment and swiped her key card. The program Sheldon had written to hack the security cameras worked like clockwork. All Penny had to do was to hide large, heavy-duty plastic bags full of reagents above the ceiling tiles.

Later that evening, Penny heard a triple knocking at her door. She let Sheldon in quickly. “How'd it go?” she asked. 

“Perfect. She didn’t suspect a thing. She kept saying how pleased she was that I was finally taking the initiative in our relationship. Did you encounter any difficulties?” 

“Easy as pie, Moonpie,” she grinned. “So what happens next?” 

“Tomorrow morning, I will stay in my room and pretend to be ill. Leonard will leave as quickly as he can so he doesn't feel obligated to care for me. If you are capable of rising before 11 am, you may join me in watching the live feed of my revenge. Mwa ha ha," he added, doing his best evil villain imitation. 

"Are you kidding?" Penny asked. "I wouldn’t miss this for the world." She was beginning to feel a gleeful anticipation, which almost overwhelmed the pang of guilt she felt knowing Sheldon was completely right about Leonard's behavior. 

The next morning, Penny stumbled across the hallway and made a beeline for the coffee maker. She gave a happy sigh as she sipped the fragrant, steaming liquid. Turning around, she shrieked in surprise to find Sheldon standing almost directly behind her. She bit back a curse, then she took in his flannel robe and pajamas. 

"Casual day at the office, Moonpie?" 

"Don't be ridiculous. If I were dressed, how could I convincingly feign illness?" 

Penny shrugged and walked back into Sheldon's room. "What are you doing? You’re in my room--" he began. 

"You're pretending to be sick, and I'm only half awake. You wouldn't want to sit in the living room, would you?" 

Much as he hated to admit it, she was right. "Very well, I will grant you one-time provisional access to my room," he said, following her as she crawled into his bed. He got in next to her and propped his laptop open on his legs. Penny leaned against him as she craned her neck to see. "Ooh, look, here she comes!" she squealed. 

Amy extracted a monkey brain from a jar of formalin and reached for her scalpel. That was the moment that gallons of foam exploded from the ceiling and engulfed the lab. Amy screamed, but her cries were quickly cut off. There was a long silence while Penny stared at the screen. 

"You never told me what changes you made," she managed weakly. 

"I modified the formula so that the foam would harden instantly," he said proudly. 

"So Amy is..." 

"Dead? I believe so," he answered calmly. 

Her face drained of color. "You never told me that was going to happen!"

"Of course not. I suspected you wouldn't go along with it if you knew." 

"Sheldon, we're both gonna end up in jail!" Penny cried. 

"Not if you follow my second brilliant plan," he said smugly. 

He had wanted to frame Howard for the crime, but Penny refused, more for Bernadette's sake than his. Instead, Sheldon was gratified when she chose Leonard to take the fall. They were both ready to wash their hands of him. It was child's play for Sheldon to counterfeit letters and texts detailing Leonard’s unrequited love for Amy. Leonard had already established both his propensity for cheating and for duplicating other's experiments. Penny used cash Sheldon gave her to purchase a diamond ring at a pawn shop. By the time the police got around to questioning him, he'd had time to create an elaborate backstory and was able to lie convincingly about how he had been about to propose. 

The only one who ever knew the truth about him was Penny. Since she had demonstrated the ability to stay cool under pressure, he decided she would make a better roommate than Leonard. By the time they became lovers, she even had him convinced it was his idea. 


	3. 100 Ways to Kill a Doctor: The Coronary Complication

"Sheldon, wake up," Penny hissed.

He did so with a jolt and his usual cry of "Danger, danger!" Then he demanded, "What are you doing in my room?"

She cut off his usual complaint about people being in his room. "I need your help."

"I don't disagree, but you'll have to be more specific," he retorted.

"I... I have a problem." She sat down on his bed, ignoring his glare of disapproval. "You know how when I got back together with Leonard, he called it a beta test? And then you asked me not to hurt him? Well, I tried, but this was too big to keep lying about."

Sheldon eyed her warily. "I hope you haven't woken me up to ask my advice about your dating woes."

"No, not exactly. Where do I start? I guess you've noticed that we're uh... kinda noisy at night."

Sheldon scoffed. "Why else do you think I keep a pair of noise-canceling headphones on my nightstand?"

"Well, the reason I've been so loud is because I've been faking it," Penny said, coloring a little as she confessed.

"Faking what?" he asked innocently.

She grimaced. "Pretending that I'm having a good time. I make all that noise because I want Leonard to think I'm done so he'll just finish up and get off me."

"Why would you do that? Have you been cheating on him?"

"Of course not!" Penny cried indignantly. "I just wanted him to fall asleep so I could go back to my place. Let's just say that for me, the best thing I could say about our sex life was that he tried."

"Meaning that he did not succeed," Sheldon replied immediately, even if he didn't entirely understand the implications of that statement.

"Not even a little," she groaned. "Why do you think I had that box under my bed, you know, the things that you thought were chew toys?"

He frowned. "I did think that was rather odd since you don't own a pet."

She rolled her eyes. "They're vibrators, Sheldon. I don't need to explain that, do I?"

"I understand that their function is to vibrate, of course, but... oh."

She watched as his jaw dropped as he put the pieces together.

"You let me touch them?" he screeched.

"Hey, you're the one who went digging through my personal stuff," Penny shot back.

He looked chagrined and then puzzled. "Could another electric device, such as a battery-operated toothbrush, be used by a woman for self-stimulation?"

Penny grimaced. "You're talking about Gerard, right? Amy's toothbrush?"

"Is that why she had to go brush her teeth so often at the conclusion of our dates?" he cried, horrified. "That's revolting. I can't believe she would do that while I was still in her apartment."

"It's not that weird for a woman Amy's age to--" Penny began.

"No," he interrupted. "It would not be unusual for you. Amy is an entirely different matter."

"What? Why?" she asked, wrinkling her nose in confusion.

"You are using said implements because you are accustomed to regular release through coitus. Amy has no prior experience with coitus, so her use of a battery-powered device is self-defeating. She is training her body to respond to unnatural stimuli which the human body cannot replicate. My genitals may be fully functioning, but they do not _vibrate _," he added with a look of disgust.__

Penny choked back her laugh at Sheldon's outraged indignation. He had a point, although she had never thought of it that way.

"In light of this new information, it appears I would be much better served by having a physical relationship with someone who has practical experience," he continued.

Penny's jaw dropped. This wasn't the first time he had hinted he might be interested in having sex, but it sounded like he didn't want Amy to be his partner.

"After all, my monopole experiment may have turned out differently had I chosen my fellow researchers based on their skill sets rather than my loyalty to my friends," Sheldon mused, oblivious to Penny's shocked expression.

"Yeah, about those friends..." she began.

"I'm certain I would not be in this quandary if you had simply accepted my request for a date last year," he added casually.

She gaped at him. "I thought you were just trying to make Amy jealous."

"No, I was looking for a way out," he grumbled.

She hesitated and looked down at the bedspread where their hands were almost touching. Following her gaze, Sheldon reached out and took her hand in his. Penny blushed, suddenly seeing him in a new light.

"I… I haven't even gotten to the reason why I came in here," she objected as her fingers curled around his reflexively.

"Then tell me," he prompted, unusually patient.

She bit her lip and nodded. "A few years ago when Leonard's mother visited, she said something weird to me that I couldn't forget. She said, don't let Leonard make you responsible for your own orgasms. I don't want to know how she knew that about her own son, but that's exactly what I ended up doing. I knew he would be really hurt to find out I'd been faking it for so long, but it was a problem in our relationship. According to the beta test, he wanted me to let him know so he could fix it. I finally told him tonight, and he got really mad. He got so red in the face that I was worried. Then he pulled me down onto the bed, and we started having this weird angry sex like he was trying to prove something. I told him to get off me, but he wouldn't listen. He even grabbed my wrists pretty hard," she said, displaying red marks that looked like they would become bruises later. "I was just thinking I might have to hurt him to get him to stop when he started gasping, and then he collapsed on top of me."

Sheldon took a moment to consider this. "Penny, we have been talking for the better part of an hour. Are you telling me that Leonard has been lying over there in need of medical attention this whole time?"

She winced. "I think it's too late for that."

He sat up quickly, pulling his hand away, and threw off the bed covers. Crossing to Leonard's room, he saw a sight he wished he could forget: his roommate, lying on his back, exposed and staring sightlessly at the ceiling.

He turned away quickly. His friend was clearly dead, and he couldn't begin to process all the conflicting emotions he felt about that. Instead, he asked Penny, "Have you been drinking tonight?"

"No," she answered slowly and in obvious confusion.

Without a word, he walked briskly out of the room. Penny heard the front door open and close. He was back a few minutes later, holding a bottle of red wine which he had retrieved from her kitchen.

"Drink as much of this as you can, and then dial 911," he instructed. "By the time the ambulance arrives, your blood alcohol levels will register that you are inebriated. You will tell the EMT's that you passed out in bed with your boyfriend and woke to find him like this. That will explain why you didn't immediately call for help."

"Will that work?" she asked wonderingly.

"Of course it will," he said. "I'm a genius, Penny. This hardly taxes my mental capacity."

She walked over to him and stared up at him with an expression he couldn't read. Then she rose on her tiptoes and kissed him. Her lips were soft and warm on his, and his mind reeled from the simple caress. "What about that?" she whispered.

He nodded, wide-eyed. "I believe my unique somatic response to you requires further investigation."

She grinned and put an extra sway in her step as she walked back to the bedroom to call 911.

As Sheldon predicted, no one questioned Penny's story. Leonard's death was deemed a tragic accident. If most of their group of friends thought Penny was taking shameful advantage of Sheldon by hooking up with him so soon after Leonard's death, no one was particularly surprised. Penny and Sheldon had always had a deep bond between them. Of course, Amy was upset about their pairing up at first, but she couldn't stay mad at her "bestie" for long after Penny set her up with Raj. With Leonard gone, the six remaining friends coalesced into a tight-knit, supportive community. They all missed him but ultimately concluded that he did more for them in death than he ever had in life.


	4. 100 Ways to Kill a Doctor: Revenge of the Primates

“You’re a lifesaver,” Amy proclaimed as she slipped the vial into her purse.

Bernadette frowned. “This stuff is dangerous. How much longer does your experiment run?”

“Just two more weeks. Then I’ll put them all to sleep and dissect their brains.”

The two of them stopped talking abruptly as Penny entered.

“Hey guys, whatcha talkin’ about?” she asked.

“Work,” Bernie said, while Amy said “Knitting,” at the same time.

Penny’s face fell. She’d already drank a full bottle of wine just to endure another girl’s night of her so-called friends talking down to her. But the alcohol had loosened her tongue, and soon she confessed that she’d been thinking of breaking up with Leonard. She wasn’t surprised that they tried to talk her out of it. Then she made the mistake of asking them why. The wine couldn’t take the edge off the pain of Bernie claiming that Leonard was the best thing that would ever happen to her. Somehow, Amy’s measured logic was worse. She wanted Penny to stay with Leonard to "set a good example" for Sheldon.

Penny only half-listened as Amy revealed her five-year plan to marry Sheldon and then begged them not to say anything, calling him a flight risk.

_They think I’m stupid_ , Penny mused, _but am I the only one who sees that if Sheldon is a flight risk, then a life with Amy is his prison sentence? Just like a life with Leonard would be mine._ The room spun sickeningly, and a nauseated Penny barely made it to the bathroom in time. When she emerged and announced that she was going home, the other two women didn’t even have the grace to look disappointed.

“Drive safely!” Amy chirped.

Penny fumed as she left. She had to find a way to break free of these suffocating relationships.

The next night, she and Leonard had plans to see a movie with Amy and Sheldon, but she couldn’t face any of them. She was now convinced that getting back together with Leonard had been a mistake, but she wasn’t about to dump him publicly. She decided she would tell him later, in private.

She never got the chance. In the middle of the night, she was woken out of a sound sleep to Sheldon knocking on her bed frame. Amy had told him that Penny wanted to dump Leonard, and of course, he was worried about how it would affect him. She listened as he lectured about homeostasis, then she cut him off. Not sure if she was doing so out of concern or spite, she told him about Amy’s five-year plan.

“She knows just how to manipulate you, Sheldon. Look how she made you jealous so you'd agree to be her boyfriend.”

He opened his mouth, closed it, and turned red. “You’re right!” he cried, horrified. “She’s not a vixen; she’s a bitch! And I know exactly what to do about it.”

“What do you mean?” Penny asked curiously.

“Amy is researching ways to increase intelligence in her monkeys. That part has succeeded admirably, but the monkeys have also become more aggressive. Their heightened acumen was making it impossible for her to keep them imprisoned. She was afraid they would escape and attack her, so Bernadette gave her some new drug to keep them calm. It’s about a thousand times more potent that Prozac.”

“So that's what they were whispering about!” Penny cried. Her eyes narrowed. “I know how we can solve both of our problems at once,” she whispered.

“How?” Sheldon asked.

“Tomorrow night, I’ll tell Leonard that I need to take a break because I'm not sure I want to stay with him. When he comes to you all upset, you tell him how good Amy is at keeping someone in a relationship. Make it sound like you think she’s clever. Tell Leonard to ask Amy for advice. In the meantime, you’ll have switched that drug she’s giving the monkeys for something harmless. We’ll figure out a way to have them meet at her lab.”

“Yes!” Sheldon cried. “I'll invite Amy out to dinner tomorrow so I can swap the vials. After you talk to Leonard, I’ll tell him he can seek Amy’s advice at her lab after our date.”

Penny laughed gleefully. “I can’t wait to see them get their asses kicked by a bunch of pissed-off lab animals.”

Sheldon grinned his “kill-Batman” smile. “Neither can I,” he said.

Their plan went off without a hitch. Amy was so happy that Sheldon had asked her out on a night that wasn’t their normally scheduled date night that she never wondered why he was doing so. She just thought her five-year plan had gotten an unexpected boost. Sheldon had no difficulty in describing Amy’s manipulativeness in positive terms to Leonard. He had always struggled to find a motivation for doing what society labeled “the right thing”, so he didn’t mind that Amy was devious, cunning and conniving. He was just better at it, naturally.

That afternoon, while Leonard was composing terrible poetry for Penny, Sheldon slipped down to an unoccupied chemistry lab. In a few hours, he had synthesized several grams of an artificial steroid. He dissolved it in a solution, and then sealed it in a vial identical to the one Amy had shown him a few nights ago.

While they were at the restaurant, Sheldon swapped out his vial with the one in Amy’s purse. He knew that as soon as their date ended, she would be heading straight back to her lab. He had even volunteered to take the bus home so she would have more time for her work. She took it the wrong way, as a gesture of tenderness, just as he intended.

When he finally arrived back at 2311 North Robles, having angered enough fellow bus passengers to establish a credible alibi, he went directly to Penny’s apartment.

“Did Leonard take the bait?” he asked.

She grinned evilly. It wasn’t a comforting sight, and yet somehow, the look of her face made Sheldon’ heart skip a beat. Fascinating how alluring Penny seemed when she was up to no good.

“He went tearing out of here about an hour ago,” she said. “What now?”

Sheldon glanced at his watch. “By 10:15pm, I will become concerned about my roommate’s whereabouts. Naturally, I would consult his girlfriend about my worries, and the two of us would go to Amy’s lab in search of them. We should arrive at approximately 10:45pm. In the meantime, would you care for an impromptu game of Halo?”

“Halo? But it’s not even Wednesday,” Penny said flirtatiously.

“It has come to my attention that my need for consistency has actually placed me at a considerable disadvantage," Sheldon said with a crooked grin. "But I am nothing if not adaptable."

Thirty-two minutes later, Penny was clearly in the lead. Sheldon started grumbling about how it shouldn't be possible for someone so aesthetically pleasing to also be so dexterous. She leaned over and shut him up with a kiss. "I've been wanting to do that for a long time," she murmured huskily. "And you have no idea how good I am with my hands."

Sheldon swallowed hard, for the first time in his life fully aware of her innuendo. Fascinating... this new facet of her personality had him completely enthralled.

She grinned mischievously at him as she hustled him out the door. For the moment, he had almost forgotten why they had to leave.

They found the door to Amy’s laboratory hanging askew. A rank odor assaulted their senses. Penny stepped into the darkened room and promptly slipped in a pool of liquid. Regaining her footing, she turned on the lights. The scene was like something out of a horror movie. There was blood and body parts everywhere. Only Leonard's unruly curls and Amy’s orthopedic shoes identified the remains. The monkeys had even defecated all over the corpses.

"Holy crap on a cracker," Penny breathed. "We did this. _We _did this." Sheldon hadn't moved, but his eyes were shining with an unholy joy. When Penny touched his arm, he moved suddenly, his mouth descending on hers. She moaned into his embrace, then shoved him away.__

"Later," she panted.

He watched in frustration as she pulled out her phone. Comprehension dawned as he she spoke into it with a convincing tremulo.

"Operator, please help me. Something terrible's happened..."

Once Sheldon told the police about Amy doping her monkeys, the deaths were quickly ruled an accident. By the time Penny moved in with Sheldon a few months later, Barry Kripke, Leslie Winkle and Penny's misogynist boss at the Cheesecake Factory had suffered similar "accidents". Penny and Sheldon had finally taken their fate into their own hands, and they never been happier. It was love at first death.


	5. 100 Ways to Kill a Doctor: The Far, Far Better Thing

Leonard huddled miserably alone in his bed. After he and Penny had eloped, they had gotten into a huge argument about his cheating, and now she wasn’t talking to him. He thought all of their problems would go away once they got engaged. Then he thought if they just got married, everything would be perfect. Now he could see that his delusions might never become reality.

The next morning, Leonard went to talk to Penny. She was just leaving for work, and she had dark circles under her eyes. She didn’t look thrilled to see him, and he knew she still hadn’t forgiven him for cheating on her. He was beginning to wonder why on earth she had gone through with the wedding at all. Her nostrils were flared and there was a tight, pinched look to her face that he realized had become her usual expression. He couldn’t remember when she had last looked truly happy. 

The thought nagged at him throughout the day. Thinking back, it seemed that she hadn’t been happy in several years. Am I part of the problem? Leonard wondered. He felt a burning sensation in his gut as he recalled all the times he had pretended to support her while mocking her ambitions to become an actress. The truth was, he had eroded her confidence, made her feel inadequate and trapped her in a miserable relationship. With a sinking heart, he knew that she had agreed to elope not because she loved him, but because she desperately needed some validation that the last seven years of her life hadn’t been wasted.

Penny had become the woman he wanted her to be, and it was sapping the life from her. “I love her, and I’m destroying her,” he said aloud. It was oddly cathartic because it gave him hope. Not for him, of course. His parents had made sure that no matter how much therapy he went through, he could never have an emotionally healthy relationship. No, his hope was for Penny. She was happy once, and she could be happy again. It was up to him to set her free. He gave it a lot more thought over the next several days. Sure, they could get the marriage annulled, but that wouldn't solve anything. He considered just disappearing, running away to begin a new life. But to be honest, he already felt too old and weary to start over again. 

So he began making plans, drawing up a will and purchasing life insurance. The laser lab had instantly come to mind as he considered how he might remove himself quickly and painlessly. Leslie Winkle was no longer at Caltech, but she had done him a favor. She had already set a precedent for fooling around with the lasers. All he had to do was to make it look like an accident.

He waited for two months. During that time, he and Penny had reached an uneasy truce. He was spending more time with just the guys, which pissed her off, but he couldn’t tell her why. He was reliving his glory days, reveling in the nostalgia of arguing over comic book minutia or carrying out some crazy experiment in the apartment. 

The last variable in the equation was Sheldon. He almost felt sorry for the guy, knowing the burden he was placing on his shoulders, but it had to be done and soon. So he waylaid Sheldon over peppermint tea. 

“I need to ask a favor of you,” Leonard began. “You know I made up my will recently, and it got me thinking about what would happen if I ever died. With my life insurance policy, I know Penny will be taken care of financially, but… she needs friends. You’ve always been closest to her. Bernie used to be her best friend, but the more she hung out with Amy, the more the two of them ganged up on her. We’ve all made fun of her sometimes, and she deserves better.” He looked Sheldon straight in the eye. “I need you to promise that if anything ever happens to me, you’ll take care of Penny.”

“That is a rather broad request--” Sheldon began.

“I know exactly what I’m asking, and it’s something I could only ask of my best friend. If she needs anything--anything at all--swear that you’ll do whatever she needs you to.”

Sheldon paled. “Did your recent medical exam uncover any anomalies?”

Leonard shook his head. “Nope, as far as the doctors can tell, I should live into my eighties. I just need you to promise me that you'll look after Penny.”

“Very well. Shall I create a contract for our agreement?”

“No!” Leonard yelled. “I mean, no, that won’t be necessary. You gave me your word, and I trust you.” He breathed a sigh of relief as Sheldon nodded and turned back to his tea. 

******

He left a card for Penny, sliding it under the door to her apartment. Since he couldn’t let anyone know what he was planning, he couldn’t say goodbye. He did tell her how much he loved her and that he wanted her to follow her dreams. In time, he hoped his last words would be significant.

The lasers were ridiculously easy to rig. Moving a few decimal points in his variables created a beam powerful enough to shear through a heavy steel plate instantly. He pulled a loosely wadded piece of foil from his pocket and placed it so the laser would be redirected to his work station. He practiced with the energy levels at the lowest setting, making sure that the beam would point directly at his head. Then he carefully erased any record of his experimentation and reset the laser. He stood precisely positioned in front of the computer. Reaching for the keyboard, he paused. His hand trembled as it hovered over the keys. One click would activate the lethal rays. A death ray, he thought, I’ll go down in the history books. Then one final thought: Penny, I’m sorry. Before he could lose his nerve, he hit the enter key.

*****

Alarms blared as the entire applied sciences building was evacuated. Sheldon thought nothing of the fact that he didn’t see his roommate; he was merely upset that he had been interrupted while he was working. As the minutes ticked by, it became apparent that this wasn’t a drill or false alarm, and the rumors began to fly. Soon, two fire engines and an ambulance pulled up. The scientists huddled in circles, gossiping about the excitement. About twenty minutes later, two EMT’s wheeled out a gurney covered in a sheet. As it jostled over the curb, an arm fell lifelessly from under the sheet. Everyone had been watching in a state of shock, but only Sheldon recognized the shirt sleeve.

“Leonard!” he cried in anguish and crumpled to the ground.

********

Six friends numbly went through the motions of planning a funeral and memorial service. Or more correctly, five friends: Sheldon was obsessed with the idea that he could have somehow prevented Leonard’s death, to the point that he was useless for anything else. Amy, who hadn’t spoken to him since she had terminated their relationship agreement months ago, turned up to comfort him. Once he realized that “comfort” was a euphemism for coitus, he banished her from his apartment for life.

He found the letter a week later, tucked into the folds of his Tuesday pajamas. Leonard clearly meant for him to find it after his death. In the letter, Leonard reminded Sheldon of his promise and explained how he realized he was destroying the woman he loved. “Only you know the truth, and you don’t need to worry about lying convincingly because I set it all up to look like an accident.” Leonard wrote. “I did it for her. Help her to be happy again.” Sheldon’s throat constricted as he laid the letter down on his bed. He had no choice but to keep this secret for Penny’s sake. For once in his life, Leonard had executed a plan flawlessly. 

******

Over the next several months, Sheldon became the one constant in Penny’s life that she could utterly rely on. He processed mounds of legal documents so that she could receive the insurance payout. When she was too distraught to drive, he got behind the wheel, and gritting his teeth, made his way along busy streets at a snail’s pace. Whatever she needed, he was there for her, day or night. His door was always open to her, even his bedroom door. 

Sometimes, she would steal into Leonard’s room in the middle of the night and cry herself to sleep on his bed. Sometimes she crawled into Sheldon’s bed, and then he would hold her and stroke her hair until she fell asleep. One night, she wasn’t interested in sleep, and Sheldon kept his promise to his late best friend. They carried on their affair quietly for several months, until Penny got her big break. She left for ten weeks to film her first movie role in Vancouver. When she got back, she was aglow with happiness and confidence. That was the night Sheldon told her he loved her. He hadn’t meant for it to happen; in fact, it had crept up on him so gradually that he was almost as surprised as she was when he said it.

She flung her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately, and then her face grew sober. “It’s been less than two years since Leonard’s gone, and sometimes thinking about him makes me feel guilty. Do you think he would be upset about us?”

He lifted her chin with one finger. “I can say with absolute certainty that he desired nothing more than your happiness.”


	6. 100 Ways to Kill a Doctor: Eternal Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the only fanfic I have ever written in first person. It made for an interesting change of pace.

* * *

“It’s just a scratch, Sheldon. Leave me alone.” I scowled at him but didn’t pull away as he finished taping down the gauze pad over the antibiotic ointment.

“How did that guy even sneak a real knife in past security? And that wasn’t really the personal dagger of Vlad the Impaler like he said, right?” Howard asked nervously. 

“It would be easier to think that guy was just a loony if he hadn't disappeared the minute we all looked away. Spooky,” Raj added with a shiver.

“This never would have happened if you’d just worn my shirt like I wanted,” Leonard said sulkily.

I rolled my eyes. Attending a sci-fi convention was not my idea of a good time, but I’d been trying to be a good fiancée. Leonard was mad because I had not only refused to wear any costumes, but then I’d chosen to wear Sheldon’s t-shirts rather than his. The reason was simple: Leonard wore a large, and Sheldon, the walking beanpole, wore a medium. If I was going to wear a Batman t-shirt to a convention, it was going to be tight enough to have every single guy (and let’s face it, many that weren’t) drooling over what they couldn’t have. And now Leonard was blaming my tight shirt for the fact that the guy attacked me with a knife? Unbelievable. Sometimes, his jealousy drove me crazy. Sometimes, it just made me flirt a little more with other guys. Hey, just because there was a small diamond solitaire on my finger didn’t mean I wasn’t allowed to have some fun. 

And speaking of crazy… I looked up at the serious face of my weirdest friend. At least he hadn’t complained about the possible damage to his t-shirt. I was surprised that Sheldon had let me borrow his shirts at all, but he told me he was doing it for Leonard, which was kind of sweet. Then he told me that I had to have his clothes professionally dry-cleaned before I gave them back so they’d be clean enough for him to touch them to launder them himself. Weirdo. How he ever has a girlfriend is beyond me.

I frowned down at my arm. White bandages were not at all sexy. “I think I’ll take a second look at those fingerless gloves I saw back in the vendor’s area.”

“Those are leather vambraces, Penny, really,” Sheldon scolded.

“I think they’re hot,” Leonard said, giving me a look. I knew exactly what was on his mind. I struggled not to roll my eyes as I wondered what comic book heroine I would be playing that night in the privacy of our room. Sometimes I couldn’t imagine how on earth my life had come to this.

I did go back and buy the vambraces, as Sheldon called them. I eyed leather bustiers and sleek legging that would fit like a second skin. I would look hot in them, I knew, but they were custom-made and way out of my budget. Not to mention the only place I could wear them would be conventions and Halloween parties. The rest of the day, I tagged along behind the guys as they shuffled back and forth between panels, screenings and meet-and-greets. The only interesting part was meeting an actress who had a minor role on Agents of SHIELD. I envied her, and wondered that could have been me if I’d ever gotten my lucky break.

By the evening, I was starting to feel too hot. Maybe that scratch was getting infected despite all the gunk Sheldon had smeared on it. Leonard followed me eagerly to our hotel room, and I put on such a good show that he was snoring less than half an hour later. Yup, I’ve got his number. I just wish he’d get mine a little more often, if you know what I mean.

I watched a little TV, then crawled into bed. In my dreams, I was again aware of heat. At first, it felt good, like getting close to a wood-burning fire at a ski lodge. The funny thing was, I didn’t dream of anything else. There was just blackness and heat. Intense heat. Searing heat as the darkness came closer. I was suddenly terrified. The blackness engulfed me, and it tasted like the despair of a million funerals of people who died too young. I opened my mouth to scream, and the darkness swept inside, consuming me from within. This is what hell is, I thought. And then... nothing.

I woke with a desperate gasp, feeling as though I had somehow clawed my way out of the bottom of the earth. (Yes, I know Leonard--or any of the other guys--would tell me the earth doesn’t have a bottom. But that’s just how it felt.) I could still feel that blackness inside of me. It felt like every good thing, every joy and happiness, had been stolen from me. My breath poisoned the air, and yet I wasn’t breathing. That scared me. I took in a deep breath, expanding my lungs like I was going to project my voice to the back of a huge theater, but something was different. I sensed that I no longer needed air. As my mind was whirling, I began to take in other details of my surroundings. I could feel every thread of the hotel sheets as they pressed against my skin. I heard twenty conversations, and the electric hum of the alarm clock next to Leonard’s head on the nightstand. I wrinkled my nose at the heavy, rank scent of his body, mingled with the pungent smell of the hair gel he always used. But underneath that, there was something that drew me. It wasn’t a smell or a sound; it was a feeling. Leonard was happy, and it poured out of his skin and wafted into the surrounding air. It felt like sunshine and smelled like fresh-cut grass and chocolate chip cookies. I ached for that until the pain was like a knife in my gut. I crept closer to him, blind to all else but that euphoric happiness. 

“Leonard,” I whispered, and my voice was too loud in my own ears. I tried again, pitching my voice lower, and what came out had an odd edge to it, insistent yet seductive. “Leonard, wake up.”

He opened his eyes and turned toward me. “Yes?” he asked. Just that one word, and then he was perfectly still, as if waiting on my next command.

“I need you. Come closer,” I begged--ordered?--and he obeyed.

I kissed him, my tongue sliding between his pliant lips. I could taste the light inside of him, like champagne on New Year’s Eve, full of hope and promise. I wanted more. I needed more. I had been starving for so long, slowly dying, and he was my salvation. There was a dull pressure inside my mouth, which built into twin stabs of pain in the roof of my mouth. It didn’t matter. What I needed was right… there. I licked his jaw, nibbled on his ear and nuzzled at his neck. Leonard moaned and swayed slightly as I sucked at the skin over his pulse point. Yes. Yes, this felt right. I sucked harder. That light was just beneath his skin, beckoning me.  
I struck, latching on to him with those strange lengths which now jutted out of my mouth. Pure joy filled me, flooding every part of my body. I couldn’t get enough. I sucked desperately, moaning with ecstatic glee. 

When it was all over, I sat back and realized what I had done, but I felt so good I couldn’t bring myself to care. Literally, I was overflowing with happiness. I strode to the bathroom to see my fangs retreating. My skin was several shades paler, but I had never looked better. Before, I had been pretty. Now I would give any supermodel a run for her money. I stretched out my senses. The hotel was full of people. Some were happy; many were not. Raj’s despair was almost as bleak as mine had been. Sheldon throbbed with a dull misery. But Howard… oh yes, Howard would let me in if I asked. And then I would go take that sexy leather outfit, and maybe the vendor too. I would own what I had become: a creature of the night. Vampire.


	7. 100 Ways to Kill a Doctor: The Real Criminal Mastermind

Bernadette was away at a conference. Howard was watching reruns of _Battlestar Galactica _when his phone rang. He was relieved that one of his friends was finally calling. Honestly, now that they were all in a relationship, they didn’t do nearly as many fun things together as they used to.__

The voice on the other end of the line said, “Howard, I need you to come over to Amy’s apartment as soon as you can get here. Bring a shower curtain, a chainsaw and some bleach.”

“Uh…” Howard’s mind went blank with shock for a moment, then he relaxed. “Oh yeah, you had me going there for a while. Good one, Penny. It really sounded like you wanted me to help you hide a body.”

“I introduced you to Bernadette. If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be all alone instead of happily married. You owe me, Howard,” Penny hissed.

Howard swallowed hard. “I can be there in twenty,” he promised and hung up.

He gathered the items Penny asked for, with a few modifications. A chainsaw would be too messy, so he bundled up his mom’s diamond-bladed knife set. She may have bought them off the Home Shopping Network, but they used to cut through her brisket like it was butter. He also grabbed a bottle of enzyme-based cleaner instead of bleach. Feeling queasy, he made use of the bottle of ipecac that his mother had kept in the medicine cabinet since he was an infant. The stuff may have been almost thirty years old, but it still worked. He felt better once he had emptied the contents of his stomach. He washed his face and hands, grabbed a box of latex cleaning gloves from under the sink, and headed over to Amy’s place.

*****

“What took you so long?” Penny demanded as she let him in.

“Hey, it took some time to get everything…” he trailed off as he saw Amy lying face down on the floor of the kitchen. There was a small pool of blood under her head.

“What the frak did you do, Penny?” he whispered.

“I didn’t mean to… at least, I think I didn’t. I don’t know, I was just so mad at her. She was telling me how she broke into Sheldon’s office again.”

“Again?” Howard asked in surprise.

Penny nodded. “She did it a couple of years ago, to rub her scent all over everything he uses,” she said with a grimace. “Before she used her armpits, but since he still doesn’t like to touch her, she did it again, this time with her…” She made a vague notion toward her crotch.

Howard’s eyes widened. “You’re kidding me. I’m a perv, and even I think that’s disgusting. But did you really have to kill her?”

“Her purse was lying there on the counter,” she said. “I just picked it up and swung it. Looks like she lied about having a coffee can full of coins inside just to take to the bank. She must have kept it for some sort of protection. I used to play softball, so I naturally just shifted my weight and followed through, even when the purse was a lot heavier than I was expecting. It hit her face, and there was this terrible noise…”

“And that’s when you called me?” Howard asked.

“Not exactly,” Penny said. 

He followed her gaze over to the living room, and that was when he dropped his armful of clean-up supplies. Leonard lay in the middle of the room, gagged, blindfolded, and with his hands and feet tied behind his back in a way that looked excruciatingly uncomfortable.

“I don’t understand,” he said in a small voice.

“I called Leonard first,” she said. “He showed up without any of the things I asked for. He said I’d have to turn myself in, and then he started talking about conjugal visits in prison like it turned him on, and that was when I lost it.”

Howard took a deep breath. “He’s the only witness?”

“Yeah,” she whispered. “But I just couldn’t bring myself to… you know.”

Howard bent over his kit. He retrieved a long, thin-bladed knife from the knife block and walked over to Leonard. “Hey, buddy, lie still. I’m gonna have you out of here in a jiffy,” he said. He picked up the knife, took a deep breath, and drove it at an upward angle from the base of Leonard’s neck up into his skull. Leonard convulsed once and then sagged lifeless in his bonds.

“It had to be done,” Howard muttered to himself. He was glad he had used the ipecac earlier though.

He turned back to Penny, who was very pale. “You called the right person,” he said. “No one else in our group has managed to get away with as many illegal acts as I have without even being taken in for questioning. No one ever found out that I was the one who drove the Mars rover into a ditch, or stole the model jet propulsion engine, or installed that wireless remote camera above your shower, or dug up that topless scene from that horror movie that you did…”

“What?” Penny cried, lunging toward him.

Howard held up his hands defensively, still holding the knife. “Hey, hey, that was all in the past. I’m a reformed man now. Happily married, like you said. I just killed your boyfriend for you. You’d think you’d give me a break for that at least.”

“All right, fine,” Penny grumbled. “But now we have two dead bodies. What are we going to do?”

“Simple,” Howard said, putting down the knife and wrestling his phone out of his skin-tight pants. “I have a cousin who owns a fishing boat.”

Disposing of the bodies was almost too easy. Howard mopped up the blood with his enzymatic cleaner, explaining to Penny that TV always showed people using bleach because they wanted criminals to use the wrong thing. “The problem is, the police are way too overworked to assign CSI’s to every case. All we have to do is make it look like Leonard and Amy ran off together, and their case will get shoved to the bottom of a pile on a desk somewhere.”

Wrapped up in plastic, Leonard and Amy’s bodies looked just like trash, and Penny and Howard shoved the bundle out of the window and then loaded it into the trunk of Penny’s car. An hour and a half later, they were on Howard’s cousin’s boat. It stank like rotting fish, which Howard explained was actually a good thing.

“This is a working fishing boat, so it always smells, it’s always blood stained, and it’s got hoses to wash down the decks,” he pointed out as Penny carefully steered the boat out of the marina. An hour later, they arrived at a reef where dozens of sharks prowled the waters. They tossed body parts overboard as they cruised past the reef. Soon, triangular fins could be seen breaching the water as they fought over the unexpected bounty. They tossed the bloody shower curtain and knife into deeper waters a few miles distant, then headed back to shore. 

“Once I get home, I’ll hack Leonard and Amy’s phones and credit cards,” Howard said. “I can make it look like they’ve been having a secret affair for months. No one will ever know.”

And no one ever did.


	8. 100 Ways to Kill a Doctor: Not with a Bang but a Bite

“I can’t believe you just shot your girlfriend in the head,” Penny said to Sheldon. She tried to sound disapproving, but she was actually fighting back giggles. It really was kind of funny.

“Dude, that was awesome! I haven’t had this much fun in ages. We’ve got to do this more often,” Raj cried. His girlfriend Emily leaned over and whispered something in his ear. Based on the way his eyes widened and a grin spread across his face, Penny guessed Emily had just said something about how all the simulated violence turned her on.

“I’m not amused,” Amy scowled, tossing down her controller as she crossed her arms. “Sheldon, these childish games are beneath both of us.”

Bernie paused the game, earning her exasperated groans from the rest of the players. “Oh come on, Amy. I think it’s fun, and so does Howie and everyone else. Don’t sulk just because you’re a bad shot.” She picked up her controller again, unpaused the game, and started making those “pew, pew” noises that Howard loyally insisted were adorable rather than annoying.

“Sheldon, I wanted to spend a quiet evening telling you all about my latest research regarding the reactivation of dormant glial cells,” Amy protested.

“Can’t talk now; I’m in the zone,” Sheldon replied, further infuriating his girlfriend. Finally, she got up and left in a huff. If anyone noticed her departure, no one protested.

******

Over the next few weeks, Amy was still angry. She decided to punish Sheldon's inattention by canceling several of their regularly scheduled date nights. But she didn’t get the results she wanted: a contrite boyfriend and perhaps another tiara. Although Sheldon disliked the interruption in his routine, he had more free time to play video games, read comics, and catch up on his favorite sci-fi shows. In fact, he was soon left wondering if he could renegotiate their relationship contract down to two date nights a month instead of one a week.

For Amy, the only benefit of this rift was that she had more time for her research. She was beginning to see some truly incredible results, and not having anyone with which to share her news just made her more upset. The only one she had to talk to was her current favorite monkey, Ricky. His full name was Ricky the 13th, as she has anesthetized twelve of his predecessors. In retrospect, he lived up to his unlucky appellation. As she was putting Ricky back in his cage for the night, the ungrateful primate bit her. Amy cried out in pain.

“Ow! I’m bleeding, you stupid furball! Try that again, and I’ll start throwing my feces at you.” It was not an idle threat; she’d done it before. She turned her back and reached for the latest slides she’d prepared, but the slides fell from her fingers as spasms racked her body.

******

“Hey, Sheldon, did you hear about those weird nighttime attacks on the USC campus over the past couple of days?” Leonard asked worriedly as he drove them both to work. 

“Now, Leonard, you know the only news I pay any attention to is scientific news,” Sheldon replied, but he sounded concerned. Moments later, he pulled out his phone and dialed Amy’s number. There was no response, but that wasn’t unusual. She still wasn’t talking to him after the Halo fiasco. He resolved to go over to her lab after work, even if he had to take a bus to get there. 

But at lunchtime that day, Howard came running up, holding out his phone. “Did you guys see this video? They’re claiming that this is a real zombie. I’ve run it through every filter I know, and I think it’s legit.” The guys watched the short clip in fascinated horror, seeing a man in the early phases of decomposition stumble across a grassy field. They could hear screaming in the background, but there were also a lot of college-aged kids seen holding up cell phones and filming it. By the time the video ended, a crowd had gathered around the foursome. 

“I heaw fedewal agents showed up and heawded that thing into an unmawked van,” Barry Kripke remarked over Howard’s shoulder.

“You think this is for real?” Leonard asked.

Barry shrugged. “Who knows? It’s pwobably just a hoax.”

Leonard turned back to his lunch, nervous but unconvinced. He looked around. “Hey, where’s Sheldon?”

*******

Penny opened her door to a frantic pounding, shocked to see Sheldon standing there since it was the middle of the day. “Hey, sweetie, shouldn’t you be at work?”

“No time,” he panted, shoving a heavy black duffel bag into her arms. “I need you to carry this.”  
“Wait, what’s going on?” she asked.

“Two words: zombie apocalypse,” he snapped. He shouldered another two bags (apparently lighter than the one he handed to her) and jogged down the stairs.

She chased after him, if for no other reason than to find out what had him so spooked. She found him in the lobby staring in horror at the sight of several people throwing themselves against the glass doors. Icy fear crawled up her spine. There was something very wrong with those people. They looked… dead. Was Sheldon right? Were they zombies?

Choking back a whimper, she dragged him away from the doors. They went out the emergency exit in the basement and found the parking lot momentarily deserted. Penny wasted no time in starting up her car and tossing the bags in the back.

“What now?” she asked, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice.

“Caltech,” he answered. They sped away as more undead figures lurched around the corner. They started to move faster once they saw--or perhaps smelled--their prey.

Sheldon directed her to a part of the campus she had never seen before. The zombies were everywhere they looked. She even had to run a few over with her car to clear away the interlocking metal doors. They ran into the darkness and latched the doors behind them.  
“Leonard! Howard! Raj! We’ve got to save them!” Sheldon cried. He turned on a flashlight. Together they ran through the abandoned steam tunnels under the university. But when they reached the entrance to the science wing, they could hear screaming and crashing sounds.

“What can we do?” Penny asked fearfully.

“Nothing. We don’t know how to stop the zombies. If we went up there, we would only succeed in dying ourselves.”

She buried her head in his shoulder. He must have been just as scared as she was because he held her tightly, without any pointless blandishments. They spent a sleepless night in the tunnels, where Penny discovered Sheldon had been secreting emergency supplies for years behind a padlocked door.

He insisted that they wait until the next day to investigate. By then, the undead appeared to have moved on in search of fresh meat. They found Leonard and Howard’s bodies in the cafeteria, right where Sheldon had last seen them. 

“I should have tried to get them to leave,” he mourned. 

Penny hugged him and said nothing. She knew they never would have taken him seriously.

In the weeks that followed, they discovered that a gunshot or heavy blow to the head would drop an undead in its tracks, but the only way to make sure it wouldn’t get up again was to cut off its head, severing the spinal column.

After a few months, they were a seamless zombie-fighting team. Often, they communicated with only a glance. They had found Raj, or rather his walking corpse, and buried his remains. It was usually Penny’s job to decapitate the bodies, since she was still the stronger of the two, but this time, she cried and had to pass the machete to Sheldon. He finished the matter grimly, saying nothing. A few days later, they found Amy. She was badly decomposed, but she was moved determinedly toward them, jaws open wide. Sheldon put a bullet through her head before Penny could even blink.

“I can’t believe you just shot your girlfriend in the head,” she said numbly.

“This is all her fault. She started this whole thing,” he said bitterly. He grabbed the machete from Penny’s backpack and hacked Amy’s head off savagely. “She’s the reason all of my friends are dead. It was her experiment with glial cells that caused this epidemic.” Suddenly, he screamed and swung the blade at her body several more times. Eventually, he had worn himself out, and the blade dropped from his hand.

Penny came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Not all your friends,” she said softly.

He held her close. “No, not all of them,” he agreed. “I have you.”

* * *

A/N: Quick poll – Comment if you know what the title is referencing (without looking it up!).


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